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Our Story of Love at First Sight…

On June 27, 2017, my boyfriend and I found out that we were unexpectedly expecting our first child together. The moment I saw that positive pregnancy test, my whole world changed. Honestly, all I cared about in that moment was the fact that I was pregnant with my first child and that I was going to be a mom. I was overcome with so many emotions in that moment but mostly I was overcome with hope and joy for what my future would bring. I was so excited and so ready to be a mom. Our life together was about to change in such a big and exciting way.
but...

Less than a month later, my whole world was turned upside down. The look on the doctor's face when she couldn't find the baby on the ultrasound is something that has now been burned into my memory and replayed over and over in my mind since that moment. At 8 1/2 weeks, I found out my worst nightmare had come true - I had a miscarriage. The pain I felt in that moment was utter heartbreak and devastation, and every moment since has been unbearable. I have never in my entire life felt so empty, hopeless, lost and heartbroken.
My baby died. 

Why? Why did this have to happen to me? To us? Why would God bless us with a child and then take that child away from us? What did I do to deserve this? Why didn’t I deserve to have my baby? I have so many unanswered questions that I know I will never have the answers to.

Miscarriage is a taboo subject in this society. It is uncomfortable to talk about and is viewed in various ways. But it needs to be talked about and understood from a mothers point of view. MY BABY DIED. And it is that simple. 1 in 4 women suffer early pregnancy loss, so why is miscarriage an avoided topic? It has been over 6 months now since I found out I lost my baby and the following are some things I have learned while coping with miscarriage that I feel should be shared for other women who have miscarried:

• You will be in pain, in more pain than you have ever experienced before. You will cry and cry and cry. You will not want to get out of bed every day. You will feel like there is a hole in your heart. You will wake up each morning praying it was all just a bad dream until you look down at your stomach to realize it’s not. It really is your worst nightmare being played out.

• You will feel alone. You will feel more alone than you have ever felt in your entire life. And you will feel like nobody truly understands and honestly, it’s true and it hurts. It will also seem like nobody cares that your baby died and you will wonder why? Some people will say hurtful things. Some people will say nothing. Irregardless, it will feel like no one cares even if they do. You just want to talk to someone who will understand and care about what your feeling. And you will wonder if you are crazy for feeling the way you do.

• You will grieve your unborn child. You will grieve all the hopes and dreams you had for that child. You will grieve the future you had pictured in your mind of your life with your child.

• You will long for your child. You will look down at your belly every single day until what should have been your due date wishing your belly was growing and wishing you could feel your baby move or kick.

• You will be envious of other women who are expecting. You will be jealous of women who have recently given birth to their babies. And you will ask why? Why did I have to lose my baby but they get to keep theirs? And it honestly will be extremely difficult to be in their presence.

• You will feel guilt and blame yourself even when it isn’t your fault that your baby died. 1 in 4 women suffer early pregnancy losses and usually they are due to developmental/chromosomal issues. Irregardless though, you will blame yourself.

• You will be forever changed. You will no longer be the person you were. Because your baby died. And time may help. Some days will be better than others. You will not be okay. You will be faced with anxiety and depression. Time will pass and days turn into weeks, and weeks into months and you will have no idea where the time has gone. You will feel like the world is moving on without you. You will feel like you are merely surviving but not truly living. And the pain will never truly go away...

But you ARE STRONG. Any woman who has lost a baby is strong. The following quote I found to really resonate with my journey: "Grief I’ve learned is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go."

I am sharing my story in hopes that perhaps other mothers out there that are coping with an early pregnancy loss can know that they are not alone in this journey and that there is hope even when it doesn’t feel like it. It is okay to not be okay."